God’s Timing

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” Faith in God includes faith in his timing” -Neal Maxwell

This is a hard one for me at the moment. I am 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant and my emotions and body are all out of wack. I’m trying to remain strong but I can’t help but to break down when I can’t take the pressure anymore. I am scheduled for an induction, which the doctors have made me feel is my only option after my 38th week, so for the last 2 weeks I have been doing everything I can on every list out there to go into spontaneous labor.  I got the OK to try to go into labor on my own before 39 weeks and once I was 38 weeks but that only gives me a week. At this point, the frustration is at an all time high since coming out of Labor and Delivery tonight and only being 1cm dilated and 30% effaced. I am being admitted on Sunday night thus giving me 3 days to go into labor on my own.

As I was in the car driving home from the hospital, the first thing I thought was ” I need a snack, a pick me up. I want M&M’s”. As we arrived to our driveway, in tears, I told my husband that I needed a minute alone. I got out the car, grabbed the baby’s blanket and walked to the playground behind our house. Alone in the playground, I looked up at the sky and saw a bright full moon surrounded by stars and all I could think of was the word “pray”. So out loud I did. “God, what is your purpose? What is your plan with this pregnancy? Why is this so difficult? What do you want from me? Is this what you have been waiting for? For me to call out to you? I need your help. I need to give birth before sunday. I don’t want to be induced.” Then I walked back to the house.

During the short walk back home, a thought crossed my mind. “Trust his timing”. I know from my past experiences that whenever I have trusted in his timing or even doubted his timing, in the end I was not disappointed. But this time it is so hard because what if his timing isn’t the time I want. What if his timing is when I am induced? I need his timing to be before then. I honestly don’t know what the point of this blog is, but it’s almost midnight and this is what’s crossing my mind.

As I am trying to have faith in God’s timing, no matter how difficult it is, in the end my faith in God hasn’t let me down. Trust God. His plans and his purpose is far greater than your own and far more meaningful. I don’t know what his purpose is with this pregnancy, and it freaks me out, but I trust him because he is a God of love and he only wants the best for me and my unborn child.

Signing off 😊
Savannah ❤

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Gender Roles In My Marriage

“Playing roles in any relationship is false and will inevitably lead to the relationship’s collapse. No one can be any one thing all the time”.- Portia de Rossi

For the last few weeks, something new has been revealed in my marriage. Gender roles. I always felt this sort of burden that I had to do everything in the household including taking care of the baby on my own. Two years into marriage and we finally live alone. It is a great feeling. We are finally learning each other on a whole different level. This pregnancy has been really rough on me, on us. My husband works until 430pm and I am home all day with the baby. Sometimes he will come home and want me to do certain things for him which is perfectly fine and I do but the majority of the time he is very understanding when I wasn’t able to get to something. What’s so different for me is that he doesn’t wait until I do it for it to be done. If I couldn’t get to the laundry or dinner or the dishes, he just does it and since he has come back from basic training, he has done about ninety-nine percent of the middle of the night wake-up calls. He has lifted everything that would be of stress to me, off of me regardless of how he feels. I thank him every day for everything that he does because I know it isn’t easy and while it feels good to kind of “switch roles” during this time, I also show him a great amount of respect and gratefulness. There is one thing that I sort of stopped thanking him for and that is anything that has to do with taking care of our son. Women are known to be the ones to do everything when it comes to the children. They do the majority of the feeding, changing, rocking, bathing, burping, disciplining, etc without expectation of recognition and it seems that when men do these tasks for their children they get praised because it is something so rare, to see a father take that responsibility. So from the time the baby was born until a few weeks ago, I would thank him for feeding him in the middle of the night, or for changing his diaper, when in reality, it is just as much as his responsibility as it is mine because WE are his parents. I would find it so weird to hear Ruben’s response be something of such maturity when I thanked him for doing these things. It is Ruben that helped me realize that gender roles do not exist in our marriage. He would tell me ” of course babe. You don’t have to thank me. I’m his father” and I would feel like an idiot to be thanking him for taking care of his son.

Having gender roles in a relationship work for some people, but I have realized that it wouldn’t work for us. Why? Well because I am not conformed to those roles. I grew up with a working mother who would kill you if you told her that her place was in the kitchen. Who would look at you like you’re meat ready to be butchered if you demanded her to be domestic. And it is no secret that I am very much like her. But like her, with loving hearts, I love to clean our home and cook for my husband and son. I enjoy doing the laundry and washing the dishes. Why do I love doing these things? Because I do them with LOVE. Knowing that their belly’s are full, their clothes smell good, and that they can walk barefoot at home without feeling dirt get stuck to their feet allows me to go to bed feeling like a woman who is taking care of her family. I’ve been blessed to have a husband who doesn’t take me for granted. Who knows that I don’t HAVE to do these things. Who knows that he is just as capable as I am to do household chores. I know that because he doesn’t EXPECT certain things to get done, he knows they will just because he doesn’t expect it. I hope you can understand what I just said there. Going back to when I said that gender roles work for some relationships but not mine, that is still true but I think that that is something that should definitely be discussed and agreed upon at some point during your marriage because putting certain roles on each other can lead to the end of a relationship regardless of how long the relationship has gone on for. And just for the record, the same way he doesn’t put these roles on me, I don’t put them on him either. I can take the garbage out, change a lightbulb, unclog a toilet, clean the car, mount a TV, and so on. In fact, I even enjoy doing those things as well.

So what’s the point of this blog? I don’t know. It is just something important to me that I feel strong about that I wanted to share. After all, my website is about me speaking my truth and hopefully, it will be helpful to a new relationship out there or even an old one that hasn’t figured everything out yet. But don’t not discuss something this important with your partner. Not discussing certain crucial things can only break the relationship.

Just a quick shout out to my husband for being so amazing and for not making me be someone I am not by putting gender roles on me. I love you!

Signing off…

-Savannah

My Pregnancy Truth part 2

Six months into motherhood, I was coming to terms with not wanting any more children. One was enough, but then I started changing my mind again with the possibility of having one more when my son Uriah was, at least, five years old. School age. After giving birth to Uriah, 8 weeks later, I had to choose my method of birth control. Celibacy was out of the question, but I chose what was suppose to be the most effective method of birth control. An Intrauterine Device, IUD for short. This was said to be 99.9% effective method. Sure. For old people maybe. Five months after this invasive installation, I had a “feeling”. I was noticing signs that I may be pregnant even though it was very unlikely I was. But the “feeling” was too strong. During this time, my husband was away at Basic Military Training, so my parents were being parents. I wanted snacks. My step-dad gave me twenty dollars and didn’t ask for his change back. Big mistake if you know me. I went to Walmart, picked my snacks, but also bought a pregnancy test. I went home, went straight to the bathroom, peed on the stick and even though the box said “wait two to three minutes for results”, it took seconds before those two pretty in pink lines popped up. I immediately went into denial. Doctors have always said “the morning pee is the best pee”, so naturally I told myself “I’ll just wait til the morning and take it again”.

Morning came. I did the same thing as the night before. Same results. I immediately called the doctors office because this shouldn’t be happening. A blood test was ordered to determine how far along I was and at this point, I was shitting bricks, waiting for the results. I called at least 3 times until I got a callback. The nurse on the phone was talking so fast and telling me what I needed to do next I had to tell her “wait, so then I am pregnant”. She said “yes you are, I’m sorry for talking fast but if we want to get you in for an ultrasound, we need to make the appointment and then I’ll explain everything afterward”, “okay fine”. She tells me I am 6 weeks pregnant. Then she asks me “do you want to keep the pregnancy?”. I didn’t hesitate in telling her that yes I do and even added that “that’s a terrible question to ask, especially since I didn’t make any reference to that being an option”,”I understand but I have to ask”. She tells me I’m at risk for a miscarriage because of the IUD and then BOOM! Worry overwhelms me. The thought of having a miscarriage, even though I didn’t want to be pregnant again so soon, was devastating. But I believe in the power of thoughts, so I tried not to think about it too much. But it was there.

Now, what do I do? I haven’t spoken to my husband since he left which was about a month in, and I haven’t received any letters from him. My best friend, my confidant, my anchor wasn’t around when I needed him the most. But I had my mother. Letting go the fact that she couldn’t take a hint when I was trying to get her alone and out the house so I can tell her the news, we go out to eat at Applebees with my stepdad. She decides to come into my car instead of his because she didn’t want me driving alone. I’m dreading telling her. It was so hard, but I did it. I explained the situation to her, and naturally she becomes a worrisome mom. We have dinner, I tell my stepdad, we go home, I tell my sister and her boyfriend and though there were many left to tell, my husband was the only one I wanted to share this news with. Should I write it in a letter? Do I tell him on the phone when he finally calls? Should I wait until his graduation in Texas to tell him? I didn’t know what to do. Eventually I got the call I’ve been waiting for and the answer to all my questions when I couldn’t hold it in and just told him “I’m pregnant”. He was in shock and the moment we had on the phone was so wonderful and intimate, I wished it was in person. Our call was only 15 minutes and it went by so fast. Hanging up was so hard. There was still so much I needed to say.

I waited to make a public announcement about it because I was so embarrassed. Who wouldn’t feel a little embarrassed getting pregnant six months after giving birth? Except I was more than a little. I was so worried about what people would say, but making the public announcement was just what I needed for support and I got just that. By this time, I was well into misery over this pregnancy. In a matter of weeks, I lost fifteen pounds from all the “morning” sickness. There wasn’t a thing I could keep down. Not even my mother’s delicious arroz con salchichas. Water was a no. Just having a little got me sick. The exhaustion from being sick so much had completely taken over. My mother saw how miserable this pregnancy was making me and she couldn’t have done more to be helpful. I needed soothing just as much as Uriah did. What wasn’t helpful was my doctors appointment. I was depressed and this woman doctor who has no kids, has had no pregnancies, makes a joke. “Well nothing is 100% effective”, I tell her “well apparently it’s not 99% effective either”, “no it is, you’re just the unlucky one percent”. Anger boiled my blood. She assumes this is just such great news for me. The appointment is over, she hugs me and gives her congratulations and leaves the room. I immediately burst into tears. There I was crying my eyes out in the doctors office, alone but I had a son at home with his grandma that needed me, so I wiped my tears, fixed my face and went home to be the mother he needed.

What was next?… my husband was graduating from BMT. I wouldn’t miss that for the world and I wasn’t going to not bring our son who he hadn’t seen in 8 weeks. Boy, that wasn’t easy. 2 long drives, 4 planes, security checks with a stroller, a car seat and a baby, finding my seats, it was all just so much. I still can’t believe I made it through that trip. Fast forwarding some more, my family is reunited. Big yayy! But now migraines kick in and so did the heartburn. This time I refuse to take any medication besides the occasional tylenol. Which my mother believes is the cure for all diseases. But it never helped. I have something stronger now. Now that my husband is home, their still is no time to relax. We must pack for our relocation to California, while dealing with the plans for the babyshower. It took us six very long days to drive from Rhode Island to California. And unfortunately, it took its toll. A blood clot had formed in the deep veins of my thigh. Just one, but very painful. It would have never been found if I didn’t faint in my kitchen and was taken to the emergency room by my husband. The clot was not what made me pass out. It was from being pregnant that did, I got up too quick, got dizzy and lightheaded and down I went. BUT the trip to the ER, and all the amazing staff, I happened to mention the pain in my legs. An ultrasound was done and there it was. I am now 26 weeks pregnant and on a blood thinner in which I have to inject myself twice a day until I give birth. Being pregnant limits the methods of treatment I can get, so this is the best they could do. It doesn’t relieve the pain, though. What does, is walking for a little and the amazing massages my husband gives me. I live with it. Some days it’s worse than others. But I am getting through it.

Why am I sharing my Pregnancy story? Well, most pregnancy stories I’ve heard have been the pregnancy fantasy I mentioned in part 1. I don’t know if they are all true and just saying what everyone wants to hear because pregnancy is supposed to be the most beautiful and fulfilling experience in the world, the realness gets masked. I can’t relate to any of those stories but hopefully, someone could relate to mine. It’s okay to be honest with your feelings. Your emotions are what makes you human. Growing another being is overall beautiful once they are out, but the journey isn’t always beautiful. Pregnancy is long and abusive. No really. Being kicked from the inside and can’t do nothing about it. It changes so much about you. I look forward to meeting my second son Julian. No matter what I had to go through, I will never take it back. He’s another piece of me and my husband that I will bring to the world and the anticipation of his arrival could not be greater. 13 weeks from today. We are so excited. We know that despite the odds, this child was meant to be born. God had a different plan for our family and we are at peace with that.
Thank you for reading ❤
Until next time.

-Savannah.

My Pregnancy Truth pt 1

I have this running joke I say when describing most situations in my life right now and that is “I’ve been pregnant for two years.” Obviously, that is an exaggeration and clearly impossible. Before ever being pregnant, I had this beautiful view of what I thought pregnancy would be like. The beautiful belly, feeling the baby kick and move, getting so much attention, the baby shower, etc. You know all the beautiful things that are portrayed in movies. When I became pregnant with my first son, I was in total shock. I was alone in the doctor’s office for my annual physical when I found out. No one was holding my hand, no one hugged me, and when I was told “Congratulations” that was not something I wanted to hear at the moment. I was more nervous about the reaction of my husband and family because even though I had already been married for a year and did want to start a family eventually, I was also only 18 years old, still living with my mother, trying to start school, trying to save money, and trying to continue playing softball for college. I just wasn’t ready and neither was my husband being that we were on the same path and having the same goals.

I remember finishing up my appointment and sitting next to this lady in the office who was waiting to check out as well. It was only she and I in those chairs, no one was around so I asked her “do you have any children?”, she said, “yes I do”. I then asked her “how did you tell the father?”, she then went on telling me how she told him and then she asked me “are you pregnant?”, I told her “5 weeks, I just found out”. “Should I congratulate you?” She asked. I told her “I’m not sure”. We talked for about 5 to 10 minutes in total. She told me “make a dinner, pour some wine and gradually just let it out”. After telling her I’m underage, and her joking that it’s too late to follow the rules, we ended the conversation with her telling me “congratulations, you will be okay and so will he”.

I will never forget this conversation and I will never understand why it was so special to me but it was. It put me at ease and I started thinking of all the special ways to tell my husband. I told him, but that’s another story. Fast forwarding, some weeks later into my new profound news, the morning sickness started. Normal right? No. It wasn’t for me. I was working at Walmart at the time and mostly started in the morning, it was summertime and I walked to work about 15 minutes. In the sun, it felt like hours. While at work I was always on the verge of being sick and I was a cashier so imagine that scenario. Well, I no longer had to imagine it when I was helping a customer at self check-out when I puked all over the floor and partially on the register. It was embarrassing. I smelled like vomit, I watched as someone else cleaned it up, the customer was late for work, I had to wait until my scheduling manager arrived to be excused for the day.

I eventually quit my job, a mutual decision between my husband and me. I was dealing with the “morning” sickness all day and while at work would have moments where I felt myself blacking out. This lasted until I was 20 weeks pregnant! That’s 5 months!! After getting through that, the heartburn I faced next was so bad I had to take medication which included one of the worst possible side effects. “Lose of sex drive”. Devastating. Too young for that. At this point, I felt unattractive and slummy. The “beautiful belly” I thought I would have was now covered in deep red stretch marks that extended all throughout my belly and only continued to get worse as I continued to grow into a pumpkin. I couldn’t sleep without having to use the bathroom more than 2 times in the middle of the night, I couldn’t put my socks on, I couldn’t see my toes, I couldn’t walk up the stairs without sounding like a wheezing elephant, so as expected, my Pregnancy fantasy was shattered into a zillion pieces. Don’t get me wrong, I did have beautiful moments. But it was just moments. Eventually, even the kicks were bothersome. The most beautiful part of this pregnancy was the birth and finally meeting my 7lb 3oz, and 19-inch long baby boy, Uriah.

So imagine the surprise when I found out I was pregnant again.

 

Would motherhood ever feel right?

As I lay in bed thinking about how fast my son has turned one and how soon my second son will be born, I can’t help but to question my capabilities as a mother. Would I screw these kids up? Will I/am I raising them right? Will they love me the way I love them? Then sometimes I have other questions like what kind of teenager and adult will they be? Am I raising a serial killer or a president? A musician or an actor? I know it may sound absurd but these are the things I wonder about. I’ve been a mom for a year now and I have gone through moments where I’ve felt like  “this is it. I can’t do this” (mostly while my husband was away.)  And I’ve gone through moments where I’ve thought “this is a breeze”. What makes me feel and know that I am capable of being a mother to two boys is the extent in which I know I would go for them. The love a mother has for her boys is so indescribable. What makes me feel like I can do this mother thing is when he cries and I successfully soothe him. When I change a filthy diaper and he smiles. When I give him a room temperature bottle and I see his belly is full. When I give him a bath and he splashes his legs in the water as his way of fun. When I rub him with lotion and rock him to sleep. And when he sleeps dead weight in my arms I know he’s comfortable with me. These are the moments that remind me why I am capable of being a mother. The days are long but the years are fast. I know I can do this! So yes, motherhood will feel right but the questions will never stop. My son has been my joy, my rock, my savior from a thing called defeat. Motherhood is not easy or “a breeze”. Every day is a challenge but it is all definitely worth it.