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The Crib

Today, on September 1st, 2017 I sold my eldest son’s (who is only two and half years old) crib. In the moment of selling, I just wanted it gone but then I looked into my boys room and felt like something big was missing. The crib. The crib that was a big part of our lives. When I got married, my husband and I lived in a room in my mothers house. That room was small with a roof for a ceiling; its walls were at a slant taking away so much head space. When I found I out I was pregnant, I tried to figure out a way three people could live in that room comfortably until it was time for us to move out. I came across this crib. A $400 crib that changes as my child grows. It was a chestnut brown color and attached to it was a changing table that had 3 drawers in front and 3 shelves in the back. It was really nice but also really practical. All of my sons clothes went into those 3 drawers and all the soap, diapers, wipes and bottles went onto those 3 shelves. In that room all we had was this crib, our full size bed, a 6 drawer dresser and our tv on a stand. It sounds like it was big but we had very limited floor space but this was our life for almost a whole year. Living in that room with our baby had its moments where it was difficult, but then their was those moments where I could go to him fast enough when he cried, where I could watch him breathing and make sure the blanket wasnt on his face and know that I could protect him. After my husband left for bootcamp, it was just me and my son. Our bond was so strong because of this crib that allowed us to stay in this room together.

When we moved to California, it took about a month or more to get our things, I remember my husband building the crib in our sons new room and we knew it was time to get him to sleep in his crib. We went through so many phases of separation anxiety and even though his room was just down the hall, I missed him so much but then something happened. Before we knew it he figured out how to climb out of his crib. That was when we recognized that his season has a BABY was over. It was time to convert the crib to a toddler bed and so we did. So for the last 8 or so months, he’s been in the converted toddler bed. It’s still the same crib though. My husband and I know that his orders will soon be changing and we wont be here much longer, and we decided when it was time to move we didnt want to take both cribs with us so I put up an ad to sell it, and we bought him an actual CARS 3 toddler bed. We are so excited to for this new phase in his life. The terrible two’s stage (haha) because he’s growing. After the buyers left, my heart sank because of what I learned today.

The same way that certain people are meant to be in your life for a season, is the same way that THINGS are only meant to be in your life for season. While it’s an emotional experience and truly bittersweet, it was important that I let go. I let go because my growing child let go. I want to make sure I dont hold him back or make him feel like hes still a baby (even though he will always be in my eyes).

Even if you do not have children and cribs in your home, you still have things. Things that so many of us are afraid to let go. We have to realize when the season is over, so that we can give ourselves the space we need to grow as people. We sold my babys crib today! but we also are done with a season.

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Now & Forever

On July 20th of this year my husband and I made 4 years MARRIED! In December we will make 6 years as a couple. Time surely does fly. My husband has a childhood friend who attended our wedding and he recorded our ceremony. Ive been waiting for it for years! Finally, he sent it to me. As I watched it, I started to cry. You see, in the excitement and adrenaline of the moment I didn’t truly LISTEN to the message that our minister (the one who married us) was giving. I remember a guest at my wedding, who happened to be my high school health teacher, told me that day, “the word that pastor gave was so powerful, I loved it”. Now I wouldnt say my husband and I hit rock bottom, but we did hit a rough patch. It didnt last long, however, those few days were very tough. Things were said that neither of us meant and it was just very hurtful. I ended up going out with my friend to the movies to see the new chick flick that came out, and towards the end of the movie, one of the ladies gave a powerful speech, truly inspiring… but I left that theater feeling even more like crap, feeling more like we werent going to make it, questioning myself, our relationship, our marriage. I went home and went straight to bed. We didnt even speak.

The next day he brings me breakfast in bed. He’s trying to resolve this but I wasnt ready to speak. I was still so hurt and angry. I wanted to make sure I had a clear head when we spoke. Hours pass, im still bed ridden when my eldest son, whose 2 1/2 years old, comes in bed and wants to lay down next to me. HE ENDS UP FALLING ASLEEP! this happens NEVER! then my little one gets tired and falls asleep in his crib. I took this as a sign that it was time for the adults to speak without any interruptions and so we did. We asked eachother really tough questions… questions we knew that the answers could either make us or break us. Thankfully they made us. After we spoke, all the feelings and emotions and horrible thoughts just went away. I literally felt like a weight was just lifted off of me, I was even able to sit up, stand up and move to sit next to him. Then we started to laugh! Laugh at eachothers answers! not disrespectfully but in the way we have always laughed. Laughed because we understood eachother and this was not going to break us. It truly was something special. When you are married to YOUR SOULMATE, or plan on marrying your soulmate, theres never one thing that can not be said.

Marriages arent perfect! They are work. You get what you put into it and communication and openness really is so important. You can have everything else in your relationship, but if it lacks one thing (communication, friendship, or openness..etc) it will struggle. My wedding video reminded me of why I married this marvelous man, of why I married my absolute best friend! The message that was given to us that day was not for the beginning of our marriage, it was what we needed to hear now! and I am truly grateful for the way God used him to speak to us!

We will continue to remember to have Faith, have Hope, and to have Love!

I love you Ruben! Now and Forever!

Our children do understand!

In my mind, this piece is meant to be short but I always have a lot to say so we shall see… I experienced something recently with my 2 year old that was definitely an eye opener. It made me feel proud of sticking to my guts when Ive been told to do something differently when it comes to my parenting and I just want to make other parents aware.

So we just had a four day weekend because of Memorial Day, so me and the boys had so much daddy/husband time and one of the things me and ruben decided to do was catch on up on one of our favorite shows… Gotham. Now we had our 2 year old on the sofa with the Ipad, his blanket, chocolate milk and even popcorn and as he watched his show, Little Einsteins, we watched ours… If you dont know what Gotham is about, it involves many villians and superheroes but the way the stories are told, the show can be very violent and graphic…Nothing crazy was going on  until there was. One character was pointing a gun at another person and was seriously about to shoot him, and right there I paused the show because I noticed my sons curiosity caused him to look up from the Ipad. So instead, my husband set him up on our bed upstairs, I told him “go upstairs with daddy and watch tv on mommys bed” and upstairs he went. We continued to watch the show but then he comes back down, and this is what shocked me… he came back down with his buzz lightyear space gun and starting “shooting” at us and then he said “oh no what did I do?”…

Now so many people might find this story funny or cute because he’s only 2 years old. But here is where everyone is mistaken… Just because his age is such a small number it does not mean he doesnt understand whats going on around him, particulary on the tv. I have been on the phone with people having a normal conversation about tv shows and I have mentioned how I dont watch The Walking Dead when the boys are around, or just other violent movies/tv shows and theres been numerous amount of times where I would get a response like “oh he doesnt know whats going on” or “oh he’ll just forget about it” or ” he’s going to see it eventually”. Those things urk me. Because who are we to determine what our children actually understand. We do not control that. But what we do control, is what we allow our children to listen to, or see. Science has actually been able to prove that children who watch tv that contains violence, are more aggressive than children who dont.

I am not raising an aggressor. I am raising a happy child and a loving child but do not mistaken me, I am not saying that YOU are raising an aggressor just because you dont see anything wrong with a child seeing violent things…that’s you. However, I have tested these theories out on my own child to see if they were true and from my own experience they have been. My son has gotten nightmares and has been so afraid to even fall back asleep, and then theres other times like this past incident. I dont want my kid to think that this is normal. Tv is narcotizing and desensitizing. For the sake of our children, we have to be aware of how much tv influences our children.  Someone shooting someone else is definitely not cool and not okay no matter how mad you are at them. So pardon me, those of you who think I may be a little uptight, or overprotective. I dont care. My children are my life and I will shield them from whatever I have to for as long as I need to, so they dont have to see how cruel this world is, like I did, at such a young age.

 

Thanks for reading! I did try to keep it short! (haha)

-Savannah ❤

(Not so) Happy Mother’s Day

This year around it has been increasingly difficult to appreciate motherhood. At this moment in motherhood, I am exceedingly disappointed in myself. I have a 2 and a 1 year old and parenting is not getting any easier. Growing up, I always wanted to spend mother’s day with my mother and as mother, I hoped to spend some time with my babies followed with some quiet-alone time. This year has been different. I wanted to be far away from my kids. I didnt want to hear them, see them or even smell them. I gave them kisses and told them how much I love them but I needed a exceedingly amount of alone time… Right now, I feel like I need to rejuvenate myself; reminding myself of the joys of motherhood, and separate my children into two separate human beings and appreciate their unique personalities. I am home with them everyday! and all day! My husband has taken on the middle of the night responsibilites to allow me to get some rest, but even that isnt enough when you battle with insomia…So whats going on?

My two year old is: super loud (screams all day, hes not even crying), jealous of his little brother, strong-willed, difficult to potty train, has a bad attitude, aggressive (hits his brother) doesnt listen, doesnt sleep the night in his bed, and sometimes treats me like he doesnt want me around.

my one year old is: super clingy, super sensitive, screams and cries like hes being murdered, doesnt walk yet, only says dada and “dont touch”, wont transition to a sippy cup, stubborn, and loves me so much it can be a bit overbearing.

Together, they are: ALOT TO HANDLE and need to invest in a live cow to feed their milk obsession

This day, I cant help but to think of everything I am doing wrong. What am I doing wrong?  What I know, for a fact, is that I am tired. I am emotionally, physcially, and mentally tired. I am losing my patience easily, and not caring about discipline because he (the oldest) doesnt listen, I am easily frustrated and stressed. I am a mess. I am worn out. I have no social life whatsoever because so many moms on base are too self-righteous or full of drama, or just too selfish. I feel lonely. I feel like my brains ability to function will soon transition to that of a two year old because I talk to him more in a day than I do anyone else.

I feel like im screwing up these kids! But I know I have a bigger issue… the issue is me… its not the kids… I need to work on myself so that I can be the best mother to these boys that I can be… I need to invest in some quiet-alone time away from the family to gather myself… This is why on Mother’s Day, after breakfast and some shopping with the family, I am sitting in Barnes & Noble with my laptop. No kids, no husband, no noise just books! And I have used this time wisely. Since I feel like I am at a loss with parenting, I decided to take out a bunch of parenting books including one on potty training. Because the truth of the matter is, is that I have no idea what I am doing and it is okay to search for help. There is no one way or right way of raising children, every parent does it differently, and what works for one kid may not work for the other…So I am educating myself… I am raising men. Not wild children… It will take some time, but as long as I continue to do it with love, the path shall smoothen out. I love my baby boys to the very ends of this earth! and if I have to give up my entire life just to raise them and be with them then I will. Happy (not so) Happy Mother’s Day!

Regret Not

I have gone through my life hoping to never have any regrets. The other day I was reminded of how I wanted to play college softball after I graduated high school and I immediately felt regret. Regret for getting married, regret for honoring my mother, regret for falling in love so young, just regret. I got accepted to NYACK College and was so excited to play for them. I received almost $30,000 in financial aid and scholarships. Sometimes I wish I wouldve stayed instead of getting married but I cant even imagine a life without my husband or my kids. I wonder why life didnt take me through the path I thought was right for me. I have come so far in my life and right now I am still taking strides to being the person I want to be. If I had stayed and not got married I wouldve been graduating to be a teacher and for what! to later on realizing my passion and love for work is in the medical field? Honestly speaking, I wouldve preferred to have had my children when I was more settled into life, had a degree and just knew somewhat where life was going to take me. Things are much harder trying to figure out what im going to do with my life and how I am going to get their with two kids on either hip. I love my babies TO DEATH but I wanted to be more before they were born. I dont regret my kids, just to clear that up. I also wonder if my husband wouldve ended up in the military afterall. His enlistment was one of the hardest times and moments in our relationship and I wonder if we were in college would he have taken that route regardless. I guess im having a case of the “what-ifs” and I think so many people deal with this. It’s perfectly normal to wonder how different your life may have been if you just made one decision differently. I believe God guides us into the paths we should be in whether we like it or not. When it comes to regret, dont regret your journey. You will be where you want to be sooner or later. Things have a way of falling into place. Be content with your life. Go through a moment of the “what-ifs” but then move on. I am moving on tonight! I love my life. I love my husband. I love my boys. I love Rhode Island and California. Im even learning to love the military (that may take a little longer unless we get stationed in Germany or Italy). Love your journey with all the bumps in the road.

“The grass isnt always greener on the other side, its greener where YOU water it”

Signing Off,

Savannah ❤

Memories…

As I was in the bathroom ready to take my shower, a swarm of painful memories filled my head and they all had one thing in common… abuse. My first emotion was anger but then my next was forgiveness. I thought, “why am I thinking of all this crap?” and then words started coming to me and I knew to write. So here I am. I think everyone experiences some sort of abuse in their life. It can be physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, or verbal abuse. But what do you with all of it after its no longer happening? Some people just move on or think they do, because the hurt is always there; some people forgive but never forget, and then theirs those who remain bitter. Where are you? Are you where you want to be? Every ones experience and pain is different but no ones pain crosses out the other. So what happened to me today?

The first scene that played in my head was when a family member thought I hit their child, so he sat on my stomach and repeatedly jumped on me as his wife (she did tell him to stop) and friend watched, until I “told the truth”. I still remember swallowing my vomit. I wasnt lying, I was just afraid of telling on his daughter because I thought he was going to do that to her. I was young, maybe about 6 years old. Another scene played in my head after that one… when another family member mistreated me and picked me up and dropped me in the shower with all my clothes on…then theirs the memory of being molested by a cousin, the memory of being humiliated in front of the whole church by the pastor, the memory of being accused of “having something” for someone’s husband when I was a teenager (when it was the opposite way around), of being choked up against the wall by my father, the memory of loving and losing, of trying and losing, losing, losing, losing, memories, memories, memories, so many fucking memories.The list goes on and on. But all these occurrences have one thing in common… The same people that inflicted abuse on me, where abused in their lifetime as well. I am not making an excuse for them. Hell No! but it helped me with one major thing… Forgiving…

Forgiving for me because it’s what brings me peace, it’s whats allows me to continue to love and be loved; and pray that they all heal when they’re ready. Holding anger, bitterness, and resentment does absolutely nothing to the abuser. They will continue to live their life but what you do is, you continue to give them power. TAKE YOUR POWER BACK! Forgive for you! Your heart will feel so much lighter. Believe me! and when those memories come your way, remember your strength.

With all the love in my heart,

Savannah ❤

Anxiety–

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Why have I been so afraid to bring up the topic of anxiety. More specifically, my anxiety. I always felt like its always been a taboo subject like depression. It’s time to break this stigma and speak out. Why do we have to suffer in silence? I always found that when I talked through an “episode” of anxiety I always felt better. I received the support, the love and the tenderness I needed to get passed it. For political correctness, anxiety is defined as “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.” That definition does nothing to explain the realness of my issues. You see when Im having an anxiety attack, I dont shut down. I continue to run in hyperspeed. This means im cooking and cleaning and watching the boys and fold laundry and doing homework and “I JUST NEED TO GET IT ALL DONE!” I become erratic and have outburst. I get heart palpitations and migraines. I literally feel like someone is shaking the hell out of me from the inside and I cant control it. Sometimes I think, maybe if I smoke some pot I’d feel calmer but then that makes me think “would that make me a bad mom?”, other times I think that I just need to get in the car and go somewhere to have some time alone and other times I just need a hug. Having anxiety doesnt make me weak. It makes me human. As a human who has so much on her plate, it is perfectly normal to have these dysfunctional moments where I breakdown. Breaking down is healthy because it gives my mind and body a chance to restart. But as I am going through it, it is no where near easy to deal with, for me or my husband. Most times I’d rather suffer in silence but my husband always knows when theirs something going on with me and he never stops pushing for me to talk to him; he has yet to realize when im in bad mood versus when my anxiety is at an all-time-high. I can’t explain where this anxiety came from but it showed up after I had kids. No, im not saying that my kids give me anxiety cause they dont. But the responsibility of kids on top of everything else, did.

Mothers, women, men, teenagers, cats, dogs, etc… need to start opening up about their anxiety. Talking about it is so important for your mental health. Things can only get worse. Confide in a close friend, a family member, a pet, or find a support group. I am a part of multiple support groups on facebook that have helped me tremendously and I am so grateful for those strangers. Like I said, Anxiety isnt weakness. Its a setback to your day but it doesnt last. Get through it! Talk through it! It could only get better if you do so.

If you find yourself going through an anxiety episode, and need help getting through it but have no one, my inbox is always open. My emails come directly to my phone and if you have me on facebook, Twitter, or instagram feel free to message me and I will talk however long you need to to help you get through it.

Thanks for reading!

Savannah

P.S. I can be reached via email @ SavannahSpeaksblog@gmail.com. I typically reply within minutes or within 24 hours upon receiving.