Now & Forever

On July 20th of this year my husband and I made 4 years MARRIED! In December we will make 6 years as a couple. Time surely does fly. My husband has a childhood friend who attended our wedding and he recorded our ceremony. Ive been waiting for it for years! Finally, he sent it to me. As I watched it, I started to cry. You see, in the excitement and adrenaline of the moment I didn’t truly LISTEN to the message that our minister (the one who married us) was giving. I remember a guest at my wedding, who happened to be my high school health teacher, told me that day, “the word that pastor gave was so powerful, I loved it”. Now I wouldnt say my husband and I hit rock bottom, but we did hit a rough patch. It didnt last long, however, those few days were very tough. Things were said that neither of us meant and it was just very hurtful. I ended up going out with my friend to the movies to see the new chick flick that came out, and towards the end of the movie, one of the ladies gave a powerful speech, truly inspiring… but I left that theater feeling even more like crap, feeling more like we werent going to make it, questioning myself, our relationship, our marriage. I went home and went straight to bed. We didnt even speak.

The next day he brings me breakfast in bed. He’s trying to resolve this but I wasnt ready to speak. I was still so hurt and angry. I wanted to make sure I had a clear head when we spoke. Hours pass, im still bed ridden when my eldest son, whose 2 1/2 years old, comes in bed and wants to lay down next to me. HE ENDS UP FALLING ASLEEP! this happens NEVER! then my little one gets tired and falls asleep in his crib. I took this as a sign that it was time for the adults to speak without any interruptions and so we did. We asked eachother really tough questions… questions we knew that the answers could either make us or break us. Thankfully they made us. After we spoke, all the feelings and emotions and horrible thoughts just went away. I literally felt like a weight was just lifted off of me, I was even able to sit up, stand up and move to sit next to him. Then we started to laugh! Laugh at eachothers answers! not disrespectfully but in the way we have always laughed. Laughed because we understood eachother and this was not going to break us. It truly was something special. When you are married to YOUR SOULMATE, or plan on marrying your soulmate, theres never one thing that can not be said.

Marriages arent perfect! They are work. You get what you put into it and communication and openness really is so important. You can have everything else in your relationship, but if it lacks one thing (communication, friendship, or openness..etc) it will struggle. My wedding video reminded me of why I married this marvelous man, of why I married my absolute best friend! The message that was given to us that day was not for the beginning of our marriage, it was what we needed to hear now! and I am truly grateful for the way God used him to speak to us!

We will continue to remember to have Faith, have Hope, and to have Love!

I love you Ruben! Now and Forever!

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Regret Not

I have gone through my life hoping to never have any regrets. The other day I was reminded of how I wanted to play college softball after I graduated high school and I immediately felt regret. Regret for getting married, regret for honoring my mother, regret for falling in love so young, just regret. I got accepted to NYACK College and was so excited to play for them. I received almost $30,000 in financial aid and scholarships. Sometimes I wish I wouldve stayed instead of getting married but I cant even imagine a life without my husband or my kids. I wonder why life didnt take me through the path I thought was right for me. I have come so far in my life and right now I am still taking strides to being the person I want to be. If I had stayed and not got married I wouldve been graduating to be a teacher and for what! to later on realizing my passion and love for work is in the medical field? Honestly speaking, I wouldve preferred to have had my children when I was more settled into life, had a degree and just knew somewhat where life was going to take me. Things are much harder trying to figure out what im going to do with my life and how I am going to get their with two kids on either hip. I love my babies TO DEATH but I wanted to be more before they were born. I dont regret my kids, just to clear that up. I also wonder if my husband wouldve ended up in the military afterall. His enlistment was one of the hardest times and moments in our relationship and I wonder if we were in college would he have taken that route regardless. I guess im having a case of the “what-ifs” and I think so many people deal with this. It’s perfectly normal to wonder how different your life may have been if you just made one decision differently. I believe God guides us into the paths we should be in whether we like it or not. When it comes to regret, dont regret your journey. You will be where you want to be sooner or later. Things have a way of falling into place. Be content with your life. Go through a moment of the “what-ifs” but then move on. I am moving on tonight! I love my life. I love my husband. I love my boys. I love Rhode Island and California. Im even learning to love the military (that may take a little longer unless we get stationed in Germany or Italy). Love your journey with all the bumps in the road.

“The grass isnt always greener on the other side, its greener where YOU water it”

Signing Off,

Savannah ❤

Memories…

As I was in the bathroom ready to take my shower, a swarm of painful memories filled my head and they all had one thing in common… abuse. My first emotion was anger but then my next was forgiveness. I thought, “why am I thinking of all this crap?” and then words started coming to me and I knew to write. So here I am. I think everyone experiences some sort of abuse in their life. It can be physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, or verbal abuse. But what do you with all of it after its no longer happening? Some people just move on or think they do, because the hurt is always there; some people forgive but never forget, and then theirs those who remain bitter. Where are you? Are you where you want to be? Every ones experience and pain is different but no ones pain crosses out the other. So what happened to me today?

The first scene that played in my head was when a family member thought I hit their child, so he sat on my stomach and repeatedly jumped on me as his wife (she did tell him to stop) and friend watched, until I “told the truth”. I still remember swallowing my vomit. I wasnt lying, I was just afraid of telling on his daughter because I thought he was going to do that to her. I was young, maybe about 6 years old. Another scene played in my head after that one… when another family member mistreated me and picked me up and dropped me in the shower with all my clothes on…then theirs the memory of being molested by a cousin, the memory of being humiliated in front of the whole church by the pastor, the memory of being accused of “having something” for someone’s husband when I was a teenager (when it was the opposite way around), of being choked up against the wall by my father, the memory of loving and losing, of trying and losing, losing, losing, losing, memories, memories, memories, so many fucking memories.The list goes on and on. But all these occurrences have one thing in common… The same people that inflicted abuse on me, where abused in their lifetime as well. I am not making an excuse for them. Hell No! but it helped me with one major thing… Forgiving…

Forgiving for me because it’s what brings me peace, it’s whats allows me to continue to love and be loved; and pray that they all heal when they’re ready. Holding anger, bitterness, and resentment does absolutely nothing to the abuser. They will continue to live their life but what you do is, you continue to give them power. TAKE YOUR POWER BACK! Forgive for you! Your heart will feel so much lighter. Believe me! and when those memories come your way, remember your strength.

With all the love in my heart,

Savannah ❤

My Children are not Bronx

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Growing up in The Bronx, New York taught me one important thing and that was… I did not want to raise a family there. Many of who live there can relate however I am not sure if we would share the same reasonings. My first son Uriah was born in Rhode Island and my second son Julian was born in California. Both of these places are far more different than The Bronx. Is this a good or a bad thing? I havent decided yet. Honestly, at times I miss The Bronx. I miss the bodegas at every corner, I miss the pizza place and the chinese spots. Sometimes I even miss the MTA because of how convienient public transportation is compared to suburban states and now more than ever, I miss being around my people.  However, I do not miss the broad daylight shoot outs, I do not miss the drug dealers on the corner or in front of the bodega (making it extremely uncomfortable to walk by),  I certainly do not miss the cockaroaches and the rats, I do not miss not being allowed to go to the store at night because of how dangerous it was , I do not miss looking out the window and seeing a man get stabbed and overall, I do not miss having to always keep my guard up.

My children are not Bronx. I am. The Bronx gave me tough skin, it gave me a defensive mechanism that is a double edge sword at times. I am Bronx and thats okay but my children are not and thats okay too. I dont want my children growing up as I did. I dont want my sons afraid of the night, I dont want them with that tough skin. Yes they will be men! Great men! and not having tough skin doesnt make them less of a man. It makes them gentle, kind, caring, loving, accepting, and open.Growing up in the BX, I wasnt those things and some can say “oh it has to do with how you raise and parent your children” maybe so, but as my children grow up, I would love to worry about them less. My mother had to worry more! It has nothing to do with parenting when I would carry a pocketknife when going to the projects to see my dad, or dialing 911 and having my finger on the call button in case something happened to me in the staircase of my dads building. Having fears of being kidnapped, or killed. My children wont have to grow up with that fear because they are not from the bronx nor are they bronx.

Whenever strangers ask me where im from the expression on their faces are all the same. Its an expression of,  “omg really, how are you alive?”I have been stereotyped because thats where im from. Its like they expect to be speaking with a ghetto hispanic thats probably stabbed someone (I just laughed). Why would I want for my children to be subjected to that by wishing they were from there. I proudly say that I am from the Bronx to strangers and if they insult the bronx they are insulting me. However, for the sake of my boys, I will continue to say “My boys are not from the Bronx” proudly.

So when the next person decides to make fun of the fact that my boys are not New Yorkers, please realize that that is NOT an insult. I did right by them by not giving them the life I had….

Five Years!

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Five years! That’s how long it took for my healing process to begin. Five years! for me to learn how to love unconditionally. Five years! to learn how to forgive. Five years! to let go of the anger and bitterness. It took me five years for my heart to be filled with more love than I ever thought was possible. Five years! to love MY living and breathing life. In the last five years, I have learned to be selfless. It is amazing how having LOVE in your heart can change you completely. Five years ago, I was no longer mistreated, verbally abused, humilated, ashamed and suicidal. It all stopped five years ago ! After it stopped, I met someone… My husband…The father of my children…I know God put him in my life in that time, for way more than companionship. He was put in my life to be the light that I needed in the mist of all the darkness in my heart. Though he was not a spiritual being, I believe whole heartedly that God was in him, and through him I was loved. Unconditionally loved! How amazing! I can’t believe how much five years can do. In five years, I became a wife, a mother, and a military family. In five years, I have experienced true happiness that I never saw for myself. It took five years for me to truly learn what it means to “let go and let God.” FIVE YEARS!

What has five years done for you?

Signing off

Savannah ❤

Its Not A Big Deal

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Growing up, cleaning was a huge chore. It caused so many arguments in our home. However, I did learn how to maintain a household. I clean on a daily basis, but their are times where I do not clean for days. Sometimes I just need a break. One night, after dinner, I decided to put the dinner dishes in the sink and walk away but my husband says “Im going to take care of the dishes now” and I told him he didnt have to do it now. I usually do it before the night ends. He has this thing where he prefers to have it done as soon as we are finished, which is the way that I was taught. Never leave the kitchen dirty. So while my husband and I are cleaning the kitchen he asks me ” babe, do you think your mother messed this up for you?” Obviously I didnt know what he was talking about because it was a very empty question however he clarified. What he meant was if my mother was the reason why I prefer to wait on cleaning the kitchen or sometimes just my house. My mothers biggest pet peeve was a dirty house and I understand that now as I have my own home but I didnt leave home with the same cleaning habits that mom was trying to teach me over the years. I clean when I want to. I do not let it consume me. Every hispanic knows that the weekend is cleaning time. My mom didnt like to do anything before the house was clean and that bothered me a lot and it wasnt because I was just a child. There were times where I felt like I had to clean or else we couldnt do anything as a family or have any fun and now that I have my own family, I try to make sure that that feeling that I once had my children will never.

My husbands grandmother gave us some advice one day. She told me to not worry about keeping the house clean all the time because it can mess up your relationship. She gave me examples from her own life that I wont share but I understood her. If your house is a mess, it is not a big deal. Messes can easily be cleaned. Time, however, goes by too quickly to worry about little things like this and to have it take away time from your family. Im not saying “hey be a slob who cares”. Im saying, love your home but love your family more. Every night after I put my oldest son to sleep, things settle, so thats when I decide to unload/load the dishwasher, sweep and mop, vaccumm the living room, and put laundry away. I rather stay up a little later than to take away from playing with my boys or stopping family outings. I admit that sometimes the messes overwhelm me but thats mostly when I am already feeling overwhelmed.

My mother is an absolutely terrific mother and teacher. She taught me how to clean and cook and about personal hygiene that by the time I got married at age 17, she trusted that I could maintain a home by myself. Im not saying that growing up she was a cleaning monster but growing up she was a cleaning monster. I didnt agree with her tactics and that is okay. It got much better as we got older. I enjoy cleaning my home. This is why when my husband asked me if my mom “messed it up for me” I told him “Im not going to stress over something that can easily be done, so no, she didnt mess up anything.”

Signing Off,

Savannah ❤

p.s. Mother, I love you.

God’s Timing

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” Faith in God includes faith in his timing” -Neal Maxwell

This is a hard one for me at the moment. I am 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant and my emotions and body are all out of wack. I’m trying to remain strong but I can’t help but to break down when I can’t take the pressure anymore. I am scheduled for an induction, which the doctors have made me feel is my only option after my 38th week, so for the last 2 weeks I have been doing everything I can on every list out there to go into spontaneous labor.  I got the OK to try to go into labor on my own before 39 weeks and once I was 38 weeks but that only gives me a week. At this point, the frustration is at an all time high since coming out of Labor and Delivery tonight and only being 1cm dilated and 30% effaced. I am being admitted on Sunday night thus giving me 3 days to go into labor on my own.

As I was in the car driving home from the hospital, the first thing I thought was ” I need a snack, a pick me up. I want M&M’s”. As we arrived to our driveway, in tears, I told my husband that I needed a minute alone. I got out the car, grabbed the baby’s blanket and walked to the playground behind our house. Alone in the playground, I looked up at the sky and saw a bright full moon surrounded by stars and all I could think of was the word “pray”. So out loud I did. “God, what is your purpose? What is your plan with this pregnancy? Why is this so difficult? What do you want from me? Is this what you have been waiting for? For me to call out to you? I need your help. I need to give birth before sunday. I don’t want to be induced.” Then I walked back to the house.

During the short walk back home, a thought crossed my mind. “Trust his timing”. I know from my past experiences that whenever I have trusted in his timing or even doubted his timing, in the end I was not disappointed. But this time it is so hard because what if his timing isn’t the time I want. What if his timing is when I am induced? I need his timing to be before then. I honestly don’t know what the point of this blog is, but it’s almost midnight and this is what’s crossing my mind.

As I am trying to have faith in God’s timing, no matter how difficult it is, in the end my faith in God hasn’t let me down. Trust God. His plans and his purpose is far greater than your own and far more meaningful. I don’t know what his purpose is with this pregnancy, and it freaks me out, but I trust him because he is a God of love and he only wants the best for me and my unborn child.

Signing off 😊
Savannah ❤