Today, on September 1st, 2017 I sold my eldest son’s (who is only two and half years old) crib. In the moment of selling, I just wanted it gone but then I looked into my boys room and felt like something big was missing. The crib. The crib that was a big part of our lives. When I got married, my husband and I lived in a room in my mothers house. That room was small with a roof for a ceiling; its walls were at a slant taking away so much head space. When I found I out I was pregnant, I tried to figure out a way three people could live in that room comfortably until it was time for us to move out. I came across this crib. A $400 crib that changes as my child grows. It was a chestnut brown color and attached to it was a changing table that had 3 drawers in front and 3 shelves in the back. It was really nice but also really practical. All of my sons clothes went into those 3 drawers and all the soap, diapers, wipes and bottles went onto those 3 shelves. In that room all we had was this crib, our full size bed, a 6 drawer dresser and our tv on a stand. It sounds like it was big but we had very limited floor space but this was our life for almost a whole year. Living in that room with our baby had its moments where it was difficult, but then their was those moments where I could go to him fast enough when he cried, where I could watch him breathing and make sure the blanket wasnt on his face and know that I could protect him. After my husband left for bootcamp, it was just me and my son. Our bond was so strong because of this crib that allowed us to stay in this room together.
When we moved to California, it took about a month or more to get our things, I remember my husband building the crib in our sons new room and we knew it was time to get him to sleep in his crib. We went through so many phases of separation anxiety and even though his room was just down the hall, I missed him so much but then something happened. Before we knew it he figured out how to climb out of his crib. That was when we recognized that his season has a BABY was over. It was time to convert the crib to a toddler bed and so we did. So for the last 8 or so months, he’s been in the converted toddler bed. It’s still the same crib though. My husband and I know that his orders will soon be changing and we wont be here much longer, and we decided when it was time to move we didnt want to take both cribs with us so I put up an ad to sell it, and we bought him an actual CARS 3 toddler bed. We are so excited to for this new phase in his life. The terrible two’s stage (haha) because he’s growing. After the buyers left, my heart sank because of what I learned today.
The same way that certain people are meant to be in your life for a season, is the same way that THINGS are only meant to be in your life for season. While it’s an emotional experience and truly bittersweet, it was important that I let go. I let go because my growing child let go. I want to make sure I dont hold him back or make him feel like hes still a baby (even though he will always be in my eyes).
Even if you do not have children and cribs in your home, you still have things. Things that so many of us are afraid to let go. We have to realize when the season is over, so that we can give ourselves the space we need to grow as people. We sold my babys crib today! but we also are done with a season.
In my mind, this piece is meant to be short but I always have a lot to say so we shall see… I experienced something recently with my 2 year old that was definitely an eye opener. It made me feel proud of sticking to my guts when Ive been told to do something differently when it comes to my parenting and I just want to make other parents aware.
So we just had a four day weekend because of Memorial Day, so me and the boys had so much daddy/husband time and one of the things me and ruben decided to do was catch on up on one of our favorite shows… Gotham. Now we had our 2 year old on the sofa with the Ipad, his blanket, chocolate milk and even popcorn and as he watched his show, Little Einsteins, we watched ours… If you dont know what Gotham is about, it involves many villians and superheroes but the way the stories are told, the show can be very violent and graphic…Nothing crazy was going on until there was. One character was pointing a gun at another person and was seriously about to shoot him, and right there I paused the show because I noticed my sons curiosity caused him to look up from the Ipad. So instead, my husband set him up on our bed upstairs, I told him “go upstairs with daddy and watch tv on mommys bed” and upstairs he went. We continued to watch the show but then he comes back down, and this is what shocked me… he came back down with his buzz lightyear space gun and starting “shooting” at us and then he said “oh no what did I do?”…
Now so many people might find this story funny or cute because he’s only 2 years old. But here is where everyone is mistaken… Just because his age is such a small number it does not mean he doesnt understand whats going on around him, particulary on the tv. I have been on the phone with people having a normal conversation about tv shows and I have mentioned how I dont watch The Walking Dead when the boys are around, or just other violent movies/tv shows and theres been numerous amount of times where I would get a response like “oh he doesnt know whats going on” or “oh he’ll just forget about it” or ” he’s going to see it eventually”. Those things urk me. Because who are we to determine what our children actually understand. We do not control that. But what we do control, is what we allow our children to listen to, or see. Science has actually been able to prove that children who watch tv that contains violence, are more aggressive than children who dont.
I am not raising an aggressor. I am raising a happy child and a loving child but do not mistaken me, I am not saying that YOU are raising an aggressor just because you dont see anything wrong with a child seeing violent things…that’s you. However, I have tested these theories out on my own child to see if they were true and from my own experience they have been. My son has gotten nightmares and has been so afraid to even fall back asleep, and then theres other times like this past incident. I dont want my kid to think that this is normal. Tv is narcotizing and desensitizing. For the sake of our children, we have to be aware of how much tv influences our children. Someone shooting someone else is definitely not cool and not okay no matter how mad you are at them. So pardon me, those of you who think I may be a little uptight, or overprotective. I dont care. My children are my life and I will shield them from whatever I have to for as long as I need to, so they dont have to see how cruel this world is, like I did, at such a young age.
Thanks for reading! I did try to keep it short! (haha)
Why have I been so afraid to bring up the topic of anxiety. More specifically, my anxiety. I always felt like its always been a taboo subject like depression. It’s time to break this stigma and speak out. Why do we have to suffer in silence? I always found that when I talked through an “episode” of anxiety I always felt better. I received the support, the love and the tenderness I needed to get passed it. For political correctness, anxiety is defined as “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.” That definition does nothing to explain the realness of my issues. You see when Im having an anxiety attack, I dont shut down. I continue to run in hyperspeed. This means im cooking and cleaning and watching the boys and fold laundry and doing homework and “I JUST NEED TO GET IT ALL DONE!” I become erratic and have outburst. I get heart palpitations and migraines. I literally feel like someone is shaking the hell out of me from the inside and I cant control it. Sometimes I think, maybe if I smoke some pot I’d feel calmer but then that makes me think “would that make me a bad mom?”, other times I think that I just need to get in the car and go somewhere to have some time alone and other times I just need a hug. Having anxiety doesnt make me weak. It makes me human. As a human who has so much on her plate, it is perfectly normal to have these dysfunctional moments where I breakdown. Breaking down is healthy because it gives my mind and body a chance to restart. But as I am going through it, it is no where near easy to deal with, for me or my husband. Most times I’d rather suffer in silence but my husband always knows when theirs something going on with me and he never stops pushing for me to talk to him; he has yet to realize when im in bad mood versus when my anxiety is at an all-time-high. I can’t explain where this anxiety came from but it showed up after I had kids. No, im not saying that my kids give me anxiety cause they dont. But the responsibility of kids on top of everything else, did.
Mothers, women, men, teenagers, cats, dogs, etc… need to start opening up about their anxiety. Talking about it is so important for your mental health. Things can only get worse. Confide in a close friend, a family member, a pet, or find a support group. I am a part of multiple support groups on facebook that have helped me tremendously and I am so grateful for those strangers. Like I said, Anxiety isnt weakness. Its a setback to your day but it doesnt last. Get through it! Talk through it! It could only get better if you do so.
If you find yourself going through an anxiety episode, and need help getting through it but have no one, my inbox is always open. My emails come directly to my phone and if you have me on facebook, Twitter, or instagram feel free to message me and I will talk however long you need to to help you get through it.
Thanks for reading!
P.S. I can be reached via email @ SavannahSpeaksblog@gmail.com. I typically reply within minutes or within 24 hours upon receiving.
Happy Mothers Day for the 2nd time around. I’ve been watching you closely and I see your struggle. You are the strongest woman I know. I see when you are completely exhausted yet you find the strength to keep your home clean, your husband and children fed while also nourishing your brain with new material everyday. I see how you close your eyes in the shower and let the warm water fall on your head feeling that chill disappear. I see how your clothes don’t fit and your hair is always a mess but you make sure your children and husband are dressed well. I see how you always put your family first regardless of what it does to you.
I seriously wonder how you do it. How do you manage it? I see you get sad sometimes for reasons you can’t even explain. But I’m writing to let you know that you are doing an amazing job. Your family adores you and they see and feel your strength. It is because of your strength that your husband keeps going everyday. Having two boys that are 14 months a part is difficult. You are in another stage in your life now, but look at you. You are making it through everyday. Even the hardest days come to an end. Breathe…smile…laugh…let go… everyday begins with the sun shining, so let your everyday begin the same.
P.s. Don’t forget to love yourself as much as you love everyone else.