This year around it has been increasingly difficult to appreciate motherhood. At this moment in motherhood, I am exceedingly disappointed in myself. I have a 2 and a 1 year old and parenting is not getting any easier. Growing up, I always wanted to spend mother’s day with my mother and as mother, I hoped to spend some time with my babies followed with some quiet-alone time. This year has been different. I wanted to be far away from my kids. I didnt want to hear them, see them or even smell them. I gave them kisses and told them how much I love them but I needed a exceedingly amount of alone time… Right now, I feel like I need to rejuvenate myself; reminding myself of the joys of motherhood, and separate my children into two separate human beings and appreciate their unique personalities. I am home with them everyday! and all day! My husband has taken on the middle of the night responsibilites to allow me to get some rest, but even that isnt enough when you battle with insomia…So whats going on?
My two year old is: super loud (screams all day, hes not even crying), jealous of his little brother, strong-willed, difficult to potty train, has a bad attitude, aggressive (hits his brother) doesnt listen, doesnt sleep the night in his bed, and sometimes treats me like he doesnt want me around.
my one year old is: super clingy, super sensitive, screams and cries like hes being murdered, doesnt walk yet, only says dada and “dont touch”, wont transition to a sippy cup, stubborn, and loves me so much it can be a bit overbearing.
Together, they are: ALOT TO HANDLE and need to invest in a live cow to feed their milk obsession
This day, I cant help but to think of everything I am doing wrong. What am I doing wrong? What I know, for a fact, is that I am tired. I am emotionally, physcially, and mentally tired. I am losing my patience easily, and not caring about discipline because he (the oldest) doesnt listen, I am easily frustrated and stressed. I am a mess. I am worn out. I have no social life whatsoever because so many moms on base are too self-righteous or full of drama, or just too selfish. I feel lonely. I feel like my brains ability to function will soon transition to that of a two year old because I talk to him more in a day than I do anyone else.
I feel like im screwing up these kids! But I know I have a bigger issue… the issue is me… its not the kids… I need to work on myself so that I can be the best mother to these boys that I can be… I need to invest in some quiet-alone time away from the family to gather myself… This is why on Mother’s Day, after breakfast and some shopping with the family, I am sitting in Barnes & Noble with my laptop. No kids, no husband, no noise just books! And I have used this time wisely. Since I feel like I am at a loss with parenting, I decided to take out a bunch of parenting books including one on potty training. Because the truth of the matter is, is that I have no idea what I am doing and it is okay to search for help. There is no one way or right way of raising children, every parent does it differently, and what works for one kid may not work for the other…So I am educating myself… I am raising men. Not wild children… It will take some time, but as long as I continue to do it with love, the path shall smoothen out. I love my baby boys to the very ends of this earth! and if I have to give up my entire life just to raise them and be with them then I will. Happy (not so) Happy Mother’s Day!