As I was in the bathroom ready to take my shower, a swarm of painful memories filled my head and they all had one thing in common… abuse. My first emotion was anger but then my next was forgiveness. I thought, “why am I thinking of all this crap?” and then words started coming to me and I knew to write. So here I am. I think everyone experiences some sort of abuse in their life. It can be physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, or verbal abuse. But what do you with all of it after its no longer happening? Some people just move on or think they do, because the hurt is always there; some people forgive but never forget, and then theirs those who remain bitter. Where are you? Are you where you want to be? Every ones experience and pain is different but no ones pain crosses out the other. So what happened to me today?
The first scene that played in my head was when a family member thought I hit their child, so he sat on my stomach and repeatedly jumped on me as his wife (she did tell him to stop) and friend watched, until I “told the truth”. I still remember swallowing my vomit. I wasnt lying, I was just afraid of telling on his daughter because I thought he was going to do that to her. I was young, maybe about 6 years old. Another scene played in my head after that one… when another family member mistreated me and picked me up and dropped me in the shower with all my clothes on…then theirs the memory of being molested by a cousin, the memory of being humiliated in front of the whole church by the pastor, the memory of being accused of “having something” for someone’s husband when I was a teenager (when it was the opposite way around), of being choked up against the wall by my father, the memory of loving and losing, of trying and losing, losing, losing, losing, memories, memories, memories, so many fucking memories.The list goes on and on. But all these occurrences have one thing in common… The same people that inflicted abuse on me, where abused in their lifetime as well. I am not making an excuse for them. Hell No! but it helped me with one major thing… Forgiving…
Forgiving for me because it’s what brings me peace, it’s whats allows me to continue to love and be loved; and pray that they all heal when they’re ready. Holding anger, bitterness, and resentment does absolutely nothing to the abuser. They will continue to live their life but what you do is, you continue to give them power. TAKE YOUR POWER BACK! Forgive for you! Your heart will feel so much lighter. Believe me! and when those memories come your way, remember your strength.
With all the love in my heart,